SO, for my statistics class we have to use this SPSS software and its like 65 dollars which I refused to pay for so I always used it on the school computers. So, I have my stats tutor on Wednesday nights so I do my work that I don’t need the software for during the rest of the week and on Saturdays I go to the 24 computer lab to do my work and submit it because its due every Sunday at 1. SO THEN TONIGHT FOR NO REASON THE COMPUTER LAB AND THE LIBRARY ARE CLOSED FOR NO REASON. NONE. There is nothing on the website and we got no e-mail and I’m pissed now because I’m going to have to rush to do it tomorrow which is really annoying and frustrating because I wanted the morning to be really relaxing and peaceful because its the last weekend we have together that we can just relax together because next weekend is the weekend before finals and then we go home. So, now I’m pissed.

What I never want to do in life:get married

What i think is going to happen to me, but I’m not going to purposely do: die by thirty.

I do not know why I can’t do a relationship. I don’t know why and it kills me.

okay okay okay

I am starting the process of losing five pounds for summer tonight.

I have stopped taking my a.d.d medication because all I think about is what food I want during the day. I am sacrificing all my work for mass quantities of food. This is why I have three essays that are a week late.

it may be late in the semester but whatever, I AM SO HAPPY.

I think I could bring my grade up to a B+.

Every night for the past week I have been having panic attacks in my sleep which I don’t understand because my anxiety has not been bad lately. I wake up gasping for air in the middle of the night and shaking uncontrollably. Tracey and Ryan have both said that I’ve been screaming in my sleep and they have to wake me up and calm me down till I fall back asleep, which I don’t remember. Then Ryan said in my sleep last night I was hysterically laughing. It’s not just in the middle of the night either, when I wake up in the morning I wake up with this giant pit in my stomach and I’m shaking, which is what would happen in the summer all the time, not to mention I had sleep paralysis for the first time at school the other day, too.

I studied so hard for that shit and I have a tutor and I got a 56 on my test today so now I have a 72 in that class. It’s stupid to complain about because I have an A in all my other classes except abnormal psych but I know I’ll come out with an A in that too, but this is so dumb. I e-mailed my professor to see if there was anything I could do to boost my grade but whatever.

• it’s cold out again
• i’m tired
• i cannot possibly study for chem anymore without a damn cup of coffee
• i fucking hate chem
• i can’t handle half these problems
• the buffalo chicken panini I am patiently await to get at 6 o’clock because I’m waiting for Tracey.

I think today I finally believe people when they say I don’t show that I car enough. No exaggeration at all when I say in the past month alone I’ve come really close to loosing two people I love most. Seriously, for years (not lying) people have been mad at me because I didn’t show affection, acted like I didn’t them, i didnt let myself need them, I didn’t let them help me, or I acted like they meant nothing. The thing is, I never believed them and thought they were being clingy and it made me actually not want to talk to them. But two of the least clingy people I know who are two of the people I never want to lose have told me the same things in the same month. These two fights are also probably the only two fights (with the exception of literally only one other) that I actually cared to keep fighting and didn’t act like a bitch and tell them to fuck off. 99% of the fights I get into I never say sorry or admit I’m wrong and most of them I tell the person I don’t care about them and it doesn’t bother me that we don’t speak again. But literally, these two arguments were terrible and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out during both, which I guess now I believe that I really don’t tell people how much I need them. It’s just that growing up, nobody in my house really was that affectionate besides me and I was always the sensitive one so eventually I felt like an idiot and stopped being that way or feeling like I should be that way because I found out doing that made it much easier to cut people out of my life if they hurt me and I needed to. I don’t think I ever stopped to think that I should act affectionate to people who did towards me, which sounds stupid but I was always afraid of needing someone too much in the end. Not that this is going to change with everyone in my life because obviously there are still people that don’t deserve it but along side these two people there are about 4 others that I should probably start working on.